Open to Life, Open to Blessings
(From the book, Women of Grace: A Bible Study for Married Women by Michaelann Martin. These are my thoughts after reading the lesson.)
Here is a controversial issue - inside and outside the Church - and I am far from finding answers for myself. The author puts to us how children are blessings from God, that He is in charge of our lives, and that we need to be open to His will. This is all fine and nice and pretty glossy. But over the whole of it, I could not help but think about my own situation that I now find myself. So here goes, I'm going to be quite open, something that is not always easy for me.
The Bible itself states that children are a blessing from God (Psalm 128:3-4 among other verses). Do I truly believe that? Yes, though at times I forget (you know, those moments where it would feel so nice if you could just have the house to yourself to work on a project). Do I believe God gives us what is best for us? Yes, or at least, I try to because sometimes when life is rough, it is tough to believe that something good can come of it. Ok, two for two. Now, do I trust God enough to know what is right for my family, in this case, how many children is the perfect number? In theory, yes. In reality, this is tough for me to do. I want to believe. I want to be open. But part of me is fearful. What if I cannot do it? Some days I feel my sanity leaking away and I cannot imagine bringing another baby into the house. And, I am always afraid of driving my husband away.
This is a difficult situation in our household. During our engagement, my husband and I attended a local NFP presentation. We both knew right away that it was something we wanted to do. I do not know how it has turned into what it is today. In retrospect, I can definitely see God's hand in "planning" our family, especially with this latest pregnancy, where on paper, I should not have become pregnant. But here I am, another blessing to be added this winter. All of this, and I still have trouble trusting. Even worse, it appears that my husband does not believe that God is in charge of our family size; that he does not believe that God knows what is best for our family. At least he believes that children are blessings but it seems to me, they also are a burden to him. He was done with having more children after our third. Now that he is over the shock of our fourth, he is ok but wanting to close himself off to having more. I am not sure what to do. I pray; I hope. I will be taking another intro class to the Creighton model of NFP that hopefully will help. My husband scoffs a bit at that. I hate that he is taking away his support of NFP but I love him. What do I do?