We all struggle. Rich or poor, healthy or not, young or old... We all struggle in some way or another. At times, it seems one has it worse than another. We make snap judgments all the time over this, even if all we see is the surface of another.
In the overall scheme of things, I have been so very blessed, and I know this, but in the daily struggle, it is easy to overlook all my many blessings. It is simple to see the pain and the ugliness, the lies the devil puts in my path.
Why in the world are you homeschooling? Wouldn't the kids do better in a school - with order and consistency? Oh, you're keeping them home... Well then, shouldn't you fill up their day with tons of work to make sure you're covering everything?
Why can't my child be "normal?" Is it fair that he struggles time and again, and just as soon as he gets into a good pattern, something else happens to start the process over again?
With time, I see patterns in these thoughts, and I am better able to fight. But they never go away.
Oh, poor you. If only you could exercise every day like everyone else seems to be able to do, maybe you would actually lose weight and start to feel better. Why don't you spend your time focusing on all the things that might make you well again? Forget about keeping it simple or just enjoying what you do have.
Sometimes - usually - even with knowledge, I fail - time and again. I fail to trust. I fail to listen. I fail to have faith.
"He said to them, 'Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?' Then he got up, rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was great calm." Matthew 8:26
How is it one day I pray and talk to God as usual, and the next, I feel utterly alone. Is it a test? Is it a lesson in faith and perseverance? If so, I have failed horribly.
This is the Year of Mercy. Why do I believe the lie that God's mercy is for others but not for me?
Why is it that I continue to struggle with what seems a very basic tenet of faith - that God loves all of us, that He wants us to love Him and follow Him? Why can't I seem to grasp that His mercy is not just for my children, my family, and my friends, but for me too?
"He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:29-31
Looking back, I can see how I have grown in faith and daily habits, but in the daily to-dos, I lose sight of this. Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared if there was a God or not. Once upon a time, I would never have turned to prayer (I still struggle with this outwardly with others). Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared if I was growing in faith or not.
But I do care, and I do know. And that makes all the difference. Why I continue to pray with no response. Why I continue to thank God and to ask for His help to go to Mass or to Confession, when my weak flesh and even weaker spirit say no. Why I continue to fight to have faith in our seemingly faithless world and among even my own family where faith is lacking. I hold tight to that small mustard seed of truth, trying to plant it in good soil, and hoping against hope I haven't chosen a poor spot to garden.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit." Romans 15:13