Saturday, August 11, 2012

8/11/12: Saturday Morning Reflections

I sit here this morning - a cool, quiet morning, with the sound of a train in the distance and the slurp of my son drinking his first ever morning tea (mint with a touch of agave syrup since the honey is gone). The morning mist and dim light remind me of autumn not too far off. After a summer full of hot days, this wet and cool morning is a sigh of relief, a wonderful respite.

I sit here, and I think, reflecting on the past week, the past months, the future. For a long while, I was not going to write about what has been happening with me. It was personal, it was silly, it was not what I wanted to share. Yet, then, I write nothing, and am quiet. Not a bad place to be really, if that were the truth of the matter. However, on reflection, I think that this is the very place to share, this little blog where I strive to lead a Christ-filled life, and not am empty place filled with a day here and there of activities.

Still, I am hesitant. It is not an easy thing for me. I look around and see so many who are hurting, who are in pain, who have no home, no friends, no food, no God to sustain them, and yet, here I am, so richly blessed. I have a home - not just one, but two (until we sell anyway), plenty of food to choose from, a supportive and loving husband, four beautiful children whom I am able to see grow daily, family whom I am able to see often, freedom, and most importantly, I can know the one true God. I can pray to Him, cry to Him, be with Him, suffer with Him, love Him.

And yet, I do not. I had forgotten that I could place suffering with His. How could I have forgotten? How is it so easy for me to think that I am the only one struggling to live day to day, to be all He asks of me, when I feel so lost, so very alone, so very without God?

Depression... I hate the word. I hate the feeling it fills me with when I think it. For a long while I did not want to admit it - to myself, but then I did, and then, I did not want to admit it to others, but now, I am. I have done this dance before, going to the edge and back. Long ago have I learned to hold tight to my emotions, to keep a mask in place. Each time is a struggle, but with each moment, I have also learned to fight it, to come back to "normal."

I felt it coming on a little bit toward the end of my pregnancy, but it did not really hit full force until about 6 weeks postpartum. The spring was the worse, while illness rained. Then, we picked up and moved, and that seemed to help, being around family, keeping busy. But over the summer, here and there, it pokes its ugly head up, saying, no, I am not finished with you yet.

But I fight back. For a bit, it was too easy to not pray, to not think of God, to not think of anything really other than how miserable I felt, with no energy. I am working towards feeling better, so that I can be a better mom, wife, and daughter of God. Prayer is still difficult. My mind wanders so easily. Mustering energy to attend Mass is hard. Gathering courage to go to Confession even more so. The other day I went to go, and I made it to the church, only to have Miss Z go crazy on me, followed by Miss Bear needing to go the bathroom, and wanting to do it all by herself, had an accident (for which I was not prepared). And then, on the way out of the bathroom, Miss Bear fell and banged her head and knees awfully. I did not get to Confession, and this mama desperately needs to go.

I say all this for me. It is real. It is where I am at. Many days I feel myself again, and think, finally, it is going away, only to have it come back. I am walking daily, enjoying the peace of nature. I try to let go of the guilt of not being able to do all I want to do. I try to hug and cuddle more, even when I do not feel like it, to try and make up for the mom the kids have right now. I am trying to pray, even if my mind wanders so quickly in. This week I see a doctor as well. From past experience I know certain foods are migraine and mood triggers for me, and long have I wanted to try this elimination diet to weed out all the triggers. I want to retest for celiac disease before I begin since it has been nearly three years since Skipper's diagnosis and my own negative results, and while looking for a family doctor, I came across a doctor who is both a family doctor and one specializing in environmental medicine. He looks to the cause of symptoms, not just the symptoms of chronic illness, and is big into how our food, our environment, etc. affects each of us individually. A coincidence? I think not.

So I am on the path of remission. Yes, I say remission, because this may be a part of who I am, part of my life-long struggle. I am coming to grips with that, for now anyway, and I pray this only leads me closer to God and closer to the woman I am meant to be.

And to you, my readers, a small prayer would be most welcome. I have been quiet. I think I like this Saturday morning reflection so perhaps I can keep up with this for a while, though I still have school-related posts to put up (I will post them as promised to some, though they will be outdated). In the meantime, I want to pray and reflect on where I want this blog to go.

So, enjoy this beautiful new day. As for my house, we have an exciting day of preparing for a front yard campout with family, making some pizza pies on the fire, and hoping for a clear night to view the Perseid meteor shower.

God bless you all.

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